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Head Smacking Internet Marketing Quotes

Did You Really Just Say That?I was reading Conversion Marketing and I came across this great list of internet marketing quotes that are absolutely hilarious (and sadly true).

  1. “We don’t need marketing. Our product is great.” I’d punch you, but I’m paralyzed by the stupid.
  2. “We need to test that, first.” No, you don’t. You don’t have to test whether having a ‘buy now’ button makes people buy more stuff.
  3. “SEO is a fraud. Everyone knows you just buy PPC, and you’ll rank higher.” Yup. You cracked the code. Google pulverized Yahoo!, Microsoft and everyone else with that magical formula. You’re a genius.
  4. “I can’t order the development team to do anything. I’m just the CEO.” Did Obi-Wan do a mind trick on you? Or were there monkeys? Terrifying space monkeys?
  5. “Semantic SEO means putting more keywords on the home page.” Oh. God. I’m in the presence of genius.
  6. “You can change anything you want. Just don’t change anything.” To be fair, the speaker then blinked, and we both laughed. But it was tinged with hysteria.
  7. “We found a firm that’ll do it for $1500.” ‘It’ was a complete site redesign and shopping cart rebuild. ‘It’ never got done. ‘They’ didn’t learn anything from the experience.
  8. “SEO? Oh, we’re set. We’ve got links in the footer.” OK. You won’t mind if I put my footer someplace tender, right? Said in 2009, not 1999, by the way.
  9. “If we need organic traffic, we’ll call Google.” My jaw broke when it hit the floor.
  10. “Website leads are a distraction.” So’s oxygen. Please stop breathing.
  11. “Should I translate my site into Belorussian?” Not unless you’re setting up a store in Eastern Europe, no.
  12. “$250 for an article? That’s way too expensive.” My bad. I thought you wanted stuff people could read. You probably want our Babbling Idiot Content Plan…
  13. “Why aren’t my rankings improving? I’m paying you, aren’t I?!” Yes, you’re right. Paying me is what matters. Not actually following my recommendations. Once you pay me, good rankings magically emerge from my left nostril.
  14. “We aren’t getting any traffic! We need a mobile app!” I’m not losing weight! I need red paint!
  15. “I just don’t think your work made a difference.” I understand. You hired us. The next day, your paid search cost-per-sale dropped 35%. Your ROI rose 50%. It must’ve been the marketing elves.
  16. “We needed a firm with more years of SEO experience.” So, if I were Chuck Norris, you’d pass me up for someone with a better roundhouse kick?
  17. “I need a white hat SEO firm that can buy me some links…” And I need a Democrat who can get to the point. We’re both dreamers.
  18. “We’ll submit your RSS feed to our content network, getting you lots of links!” Just got this in my inbox a few minutes ago. I gotta go get my credit card…

Article courtesy of Conversion Marketing and entitled Quotes that make me cry inside.

Have you been the victim of any of the above quotes? Have any to add to the list? Leave it in the comments!

Spammiest URL Ever?

I don’t think I’ve ever come across a URL this bad in my entire life: http://www.freshconservative.com/Fresh_Conservative/Fresh_Conservative/Fresh_Conservative.html (paste the URL, I refuse to give them a link). To quote my friend Brian, this is definitely “SEO TO THE MAX!”. Nonetheless, their homepage ranks #1 for “Fresh Conservative”.

Charlie Sheen Parody – Winning

Check out Charlie Sheen’s newest hit song entitled “Winning”. This parody (Winning) is done by the same people (The Gregory Brothers) who created the “Bed Intruder Song” with Antoine Dodson. Definitely worth a listen to. Very creative. I really can’t believe some of the things that come out of Charlie Sheen’s mouth.

Lyrics:
I’m on a drug called Charlie Sheen
It’s not available, if you try it once you will die
Your face will melt off
And your children will weep over your exploded body, over your exploded body

You love to party
What’s not to love?
The run I was on made Jagger and Richards look like
Droopy eyed armless children
That’s how I party
That’s how I party

I was bangin 7 gram rocks, that’s how I roll – winning
I have one gear: GO – epic winning
Are you bipolar?
I’m bi-winning
Win here, win there, win win everywhere

—– inspirational bridge —–

I’m a total frickin rock star from mars – winning
C’mon bro, I got tiger blood – winning
You borrow my brain and you’re like DUDE, can’t handle it
Win here, win there, win win everywhere

I’ve got a list — help me sort this
From the epic win to the desperately winless

Chicken nuggets – WINNING
Bubblegum – WINNING
Pretending to text to avoid someone – EPIC WINNING
Slow dancing – WINNING
Slow pantsing – WINNING
Breakin the rules of the Geneva conventions – WEAK

Adonis blood – WINNING
Violent love – WINNING
Givin needy women caresses and hugs – EPIC WINNING
Childbirth – WINNING
Colin Firth -WINNING
Tinky Winky’s purse………duh, WINNING, WINNING

chorus

Man Asks Yahoo Answers For Help Translating

I feel really bad for the person involved but this below Yahoo Answers question has to be one of the most interesting ones I’ve ever seen asked on the site. I really wonder how he was able to get this woman into bed without knowing one word of French? I suppose that would be another Yahoo Question as well.
Man Asks For French Translating Help From Yahoo Answers

Text From Above:
How do you say this phrase in french?

I would like to be able to say this in french:
I am sorry that I have gotten you pregnant but really, it’s kind of your fault for not believing in birth control or abortions, I must travel back to the United States where my wife and family are missing me. I may travel back one day to see the child.
Please translate quickly, my plane leaves in 7 hours.
Picture courtesy of SomeEcards.com

Scent of an NBA All Star

Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom and his wife Khloe Kardashian recently unveiled their own unisex cologne called “Unbreakable.” The Basketball Jones thought this might be the start of a trend, so they went down to Media Day to ask NBA All-Stars: If you had your own scent, what would you name it? Check out their hilarious responses.

TBJ LA: Scent of an All-Star from The Basketball Jones on Vimeo.

Video courtesy of Vimeo

Name Something You Pass Around

Okay so you’re on Family Feud and you’re really nervous and then Steve Harvey asks you, “We’ve got the top 6 answers on the board. Name something that gets passed around?” There’s loads of things that could instantly come to your head but this one I have to admit is awesome.

Video courtesy of YouTube

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